A Person should be married to other in a marriage
By Prof Dr.
Sohail Ansari
Love in marriage is only possible when both partners feel
married to each other.
‘It is not a lack of love, but a lack
of friendship that makes unhappy marriages’ Friedrich Nietzsche
‘Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and
half shut afterwards’.
Benjamin
Franklin
Double-swing model
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The double-swing
model (also known as the Möbius integration philosophy)
is a model of intercultural communication,
originated by Muneo Yoshikawa, conceptualizing how individuals,
cultures, and intercultural notions can meet in constructive ways. The
communication is understood as an infinite process where both parties change in
the course of the communicative or translational exchange.
Overview[edit]
·
The
ethnocentric mode – In
this mode I take no interest whatsoever in the perspective of the person with
whom I am speaking, concentrating entirely on my own point of view.
·
The
control mode –
Here, I do take an interest in the beliefs of my conversational partner, but I
do not take them seriously. The information is only useful in assisting me to
manipulate the situation in my advantage.
·
The
dialectical mode – In
this case, my objective amounts to something like fusion of opinions. My
purpose is to make differences disappear, so that both I and the person with
whom I am communicating lose any sense of independent identity. Thus true
differences get lost beneath a spuriously generated consensus.
·
The
dialogical mode – The
above three modes all assume that encounters are between individuals who are at
some fundamental level isolated from each other. The dialogical mode draws upon
the Buddhist philosophy (the logic of soku hi) and the ideas of the Jewish
philosopher Martin Buber (the I-Thou relationship)
in seeing human beings as complete only in relationship. Whilst the dialogue is
between two people who are separate and independent, they are simultaneously
and inevitably interdependent. It is from this stance of mutual respect that
the difficult process of entering the gap in understanding takes place.
A Möbius strip.
He emphasizes that both communication parties play the
role of addresser and addressee. In the double-swing model, communication is
seen as an infinite process and the two participants will both change during
their meeting. He underlines that the goal of communication is not to eliminate
differences, but to use the dynamics that arise through the encounter.[4]
The model is graphically presented as the infinity symbol
(∞), also as a Möbius strip, visualizing the twofold movement
between the self and the other that allows for both unity and uniqueness. The
front side and the back side of the strip appear divided, but both sides are
apparently interconnected, and may be viewed as one and the same. This
theoretical model indicates that one is neither this side or that side nor
beyond both sides, but one is the between. Yoshikawa calls the unity that is
created out of the realization of differences "identity in unity".
This dialogical unity does not eliminate the tension between basic potential
unity and apparent duality.[5]
Yoshikawa coined the term "dynamic
in-betweenness", suggesting how the individual is able to move between
different cultural traditions, acting appropriately and feeling at home in
each, and in doing so simultaneously maintains an integrated, multi-cultural
sense of self. Rather than the either/or identity of encapsulated marginals,
constructive marginals experience their movement between cultures as both/and.[6]
The model has been related to the notion of pendulation described
by Peter A. Levine, the swinging back and forth between our point of view and
that of the other that allows the potential for understanding each other.[7]
History[edit]
In 1978, Muneo Yoshikawa published an essay of personal
reflections upon his psychological evolution as a Japanese in the United
States, highlighting the role of identity inclusiveness and identity security
as the very essence of what it means to be an interculturally competent person.[8][9] In
1980, he first proposed the double-swing model,[10][11] developing
it later in 1987.[1] The
theory became also known as the Möbius
integration philosophy and
served as a premise for the theory of "integrative philosophy",
developed by Muneo Yoshikawa in collaboration with Shozo Hibino.[12][13]
Benjamin Franklin Was a Wise
Fellow
By Shea Hecht
Many
clever comments are attributed to Benjamin Franklin, in my opinion this one is
the best: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage," Ben Franklin
quoted, "and half shut afterwards."
How can
the yet-to-be-married and already-married turn this comment into practical
advice?
The yet-to-be-married need Keep your eyes
wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwardsto enter
into marriage with their eyes wide open. Marriage is a lifetime commitment.
Things that look charming and attractive while dating don't necessarily stay
that way after marriage. The girl that was so harried that she always had that
"lost look" that seemed so cute, will probably continue to always be
overwhelmed; after a few years and a couple of children, the "lost
look" will start to appear a lot less cute. The boy that seemed so mature
because he was very distant during courtship may continue to be distant after
marriage as well; if a wife is then looking for a closer and warmer relationship,
she will spend the rest of her married life feeling cheated of that closeness.
Notwithstanding
all the outside influences that affect us, most people end up with character
traits that take after their own family. Checking into what a family of a
prospective marriage partner is like is step number one, and it shouldn't be
taken lightly. One woman who sat in my office crying that her husband wasn't a
father to her sons told me, "I should have known better. His father was so
distant and unavailable for his children, but I didn't realize it was important
for a man to have a father as a role model." Similarly, the man who
expects his wife to be devoted to him because that is the model he grew up
with, will be surprised and struggle with a very needy wife. Usually, all he
had to do is look into his mother-in-law's behavior before marriage and he
"could have known."
There
are exceptions to every rule, of course, and I know many people who have
overcome a difficult background by taking an objective view on their own childhood
and recognizing that they were wronged. Many people, however, who grow up in a
"dysfunctional" home don't recognize the dysfunction, and therefore
perpetuate it.
Most
important of all is that a person looking for a mate should trust their
instinct. In the whirlwind of courting and dating things get overlooked. In the
ensuing weeks of the engagement things that were just niggling sensations in
the back of the mind can become full-fledged worries. Those worries should be
discussed with a competent adviser. Some of them may be "engagement
blues," but sometimes the subconscious is trying to point out a real
problem, that the young adult is trying to ignore in an effort to make this be
the "right one."
Premarital
counseling can help resolve a lot of issues. The marriage counselor has seen
many of the problems and recognizes many of the cues that an in-love couple
doesn't. Using the guidance of a counselor may help to draw some issues out and
find a practical strategy of how to deal with it.
So much
for the first part of Mr. Franklin's advice. The second part is equally
crucial. Once married, one should overlook, be tolerant and forget. Overlooking
means that not every small thing has to be pointed out and fought about. The
old joke about a married couple fighting over how to squeeze the
toothpaste--from the bottom or the middle of the tube--isn't such a big joke.
People fight and argue about trivial matters all the time. What a silly waste
of time and energy!
Just because your mother/ father/ friend doesn't understand why
you tolerate x, y or z in your spouse, it doesn't mean that it's harmful to you
or your marriageBe tolerant of all our spouses'
foibles unless they are truly harmful. Just because your mother/ father/ friend
etc. doesn't understand why your spouse does x, y or z or how you tolerate it
doesn't mean that it's harmful to you or your marriage.
Forget
things your spouse did which you didn't like, and remember the good--and do it
religiously. Something that is a perpetual problem must be dealt with, but that
which isn't important enough to deal with a professional is not important
enough to be harped on and brought up each time there is an argument.
Ben
Franklin was a smart fellow. If you want the blessing of a happy home, keep
both eyes open before marriage, and one eye closed after.
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